Just some thoughts..

Dear You,


Here is what's interesting about life....

Things I never the way you think they're going to be. One minute you're standing on first-base up to bat waiting for the ball to be pitched, then the next moment you're in the outfield playing another inning. Sometimes this all happened so fast you don't even realize what just happened.
I have found my life to be in this place. No one tells you nor do they prepare you for the curveballs that are thrown. You cannot control what direction it's going to go nor will you predict what is going to happen.

Being an adult is not all it's cracked up to be. There is so much sadness that sometimes the happy times are the very focal points of your life.

People start to have more meaning and those who have toxic waste to add to your life are hopefully subtracted before that toxicness has affect. I wish I could say that the toxic relationships passed me up but sadly I have in fact chosen into several of them with out even knowing it. There is something about being able to set yourself free that makes you feel reborn.
Others should not have control of your thoughts, actions or feelings. No matter what anyone says or thinks who is either close to you or does not even know you a little.. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you know your own worth.

This, especially for women, is difficult to grasp. We are nurturers by nature. We love and live to take care of others before we our ourselves first.
I know in my case my toxic relationships have made it so I have a very difficult time putting my ideas on the table. It is hard for me to make decisions in fear that some one may not be pleased & in fear of rejection. It is hard for me to talk about my feelings and it's very difficult to trust what some one says. It seems like our generation is always up for the bigger and better. There is no satisfaction in what you already have. "The grass is always greener.. &/or I'm sick of this, the excitement is gone let's move onward".

I have found in myself my biggest fear is to end up alone. There is a lot that plays into that idea but non the less it is still there and a huge contributing factor in the way I approach relationships.
I have this weird outlook..(at least I think it's weird) I worry that the person I love will..
1. Get sick of me.
2. Make empty promises.
3. Die
4. Lie & cheat.
5. Steal away my heart & keep some of the pieces.

The list could go on but I will just end it there. Am I nuts? Have I totally lost my mind? If so it was lost a very long time ago. I honestly wonder how people end up married & the most astonishing part is that they stay married. They find people who love them enough to stick it out through thick and thin. I often ponder the question..

"Am I the type that is meant for a healthy marital relationship?"

A lot of the time I will tell you this.. I think I would be better off by myself considering the job I have & my track record with men.

This letter is all over the place..  Allow me to gather my thoughts.

Until then..

Love
Me