Just some thoughts..

Dear You,


Here is what's interesting about life....

Things I never the way you think they're going to be. One minute you're standing on first-base up to bat waiting for the ball to be pitched, then the next moment you're in the outfield playing another inning. Sometimes this all happened so fast you don't even realize what just happened.
I have found my life to be in this place. No one tells you nor do they prepare you for the curveballs that are thrown. You cannot control what direction it's going to go nor will you predict what is going to happen.

Being an adult is not all it's cracked up to be. There is so much sadness that sometimes the happy times are the very focal points of your life.

People start to have more meaning and those who have toxic waste to add to your life are hopefully subtracted before that toxicness has affect. I wish I could say that the toxic relationships passed me up but sadly I have in fact chosen into several of them with out even knowing it. There is something about being able to set yourself free that makes you feel reborn.
Others should not have control of your thoughts, actions or feelings. No matter what anyone says or thinks who is either close to you or does not even know you a little.. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you know your own worth.

This, especially for women, is difficult to grasp. We are nurturers by nature. We love and live to take care of others before we our ourselves first.
I know in my case my toxic relationships have made it so I have a very difficult time putting my ideas on the table. It is hard for me to make decisions in fear that some one may not be pleased & in fear of rejection. It is hard for me to talk about my feelings and it's very difficult to trust what some one says. It seems like our generation is always up for the bigger and better. There is no satisfaction in what you already have. "The grass is always greener.. &/or I'm sick of this, the excitement is gone let's move onward".

I have found in myself my biggest fear is to end up alone. There is a lot that plays into that idea but non the less it is still there and a huge contributing factor in the way I approach relationships.
I have this weird outlook..(at least I think it's weird) I worry that the person I love will..
1. Get sick of me.
2. Make empty promises.
3. Die
4. Lie & cheat.
5. Steal away my heart & keep some of the pieces.

The list could go on but I will just end it there. Am I nuts? Have I totally lost my mind? If so it was lost a very long time ago. I honestly wonder how people end up married & the most astonishing part is that they stay married. They find people who love them enough to stick it out through thick and thin. I often ponder the question..

"Am I the type that is meant for a healthy marital relationship?"

A lot of the time I will tell you this.. I think I would be better off by myself considering the job I have & my track record with men.

This letter is all over the place..  Allow me to gather my thoughts.

Until then..

Love
Me

Past & Present.. all the same.

Dear You,

So I moved recently and I was going through some of my storage items with journals & books. I decided to open some and read them to see what I had to say when I was younger. All I can say is

WOW

I was surprised and quite frankly shocked. I of course in my juvenile teenage years was a brat.. but there was a trend that I saw.

Not that I journal now.. (although I should).. I started to read over and over again.. time after time.. situation after situation.. my obsession with love. Or what ever idea I had of it. I honestly dont have a clue what true love really is. I hear when its real its returned.

Haha I just laugh. I am now 22 years old and feel like I live in a fairy tail dream world that doesnt exist.

When you are a child you watch things and learn. I remember watching princess Disney movies and thinking "I cant wait.. I cant wait for my prince charming! I cant wait to live happily ever after!" I had a beautiful imagination. I had a stunning dream at what I knew I wanted. But did I deserve it?

I often wonder and ponder this thought. Do I deserve to be treated like a princess or queen? Is that reality? Or am I truly delusional?

Well no. I have come to the conclusion that I in fact am not crazy.

I just figured out the problem. Or so I think I have.. Are you ready..? (drum roll please)

---->> its the person you decide to be & the person you decide to be with <<----

What an idea. What a thought. How you show up is eventually how the other person will. If they arent showing up then move on. Find some one else who will. Its amazing.. many people like myself see themselves as the "replaceable" one in the relationship. I believe it is because partly I have made it that way. I have made it very easy for my significant others to take complete advantage of me.

I believe this is the womans version of being "too nice"

So your boyfriend cheated on your for an extended period of time.. yet you still allow him to stay..

So your boyfriend threatens your relationship any time a problem comes up.. yet you still fight for it..

So your boyfriend cant take accountability for his actions and blames you.. yet you still entertain the though of them changing..

So your boyfriend shows you love in public but in private you fight constantly.. yet you still try and make it work..

WHAT IS WRONG WITH WOMEN TODAY?

I can tell you that I have done ALL of those things. Every single one.

I know of friends who have also put up with the same issues.

WHY? WHAT ARE YOU GETTING OUT OF IT? IS IT REALLY GETTING BETTER?

I can tell you that for me it has not. It has left me further questioning wether or not I will ever be lovable enough to stay with.. to fight for.. to change with.. continually try and make it work.

Love is easy. It should be. It should be easy to forgive those you love. It should be easy to do things for those you love simply because it brings them happiness. BUT NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU THIS..

LOVE. IS. WORK.

 

 Why arent we educated like this when we are young? Why does it take the abusive boyfriend.. the best friend you friend zoned.. or the cheater to teach you this?

 

 

I am beyond frustrated feeling like I am not worth everything I put forth into a relationship. I am sick of trying and getting no where. I am sick to death of loving with all my heart to find the other person not invested.

 

This is a lot of scattered thoughts..

 

I am going for a drive..

 

Love..

Me.

Who you gunna call?

Dear You,

When things seem unbearable..

-->>Word vomit.
-->>Swear a little.
-->>Stop.
-->>Take a step back.
-->>Breath.
-->>Clear your mind.
-->>Surround yourself with good people.
-->>Don't forget to thank God for all you have.

It is all going to be okay.

AND/OR its going to work out the way its supposed to.

God wont give you anything you cant not handle with out his help & guidance.

Life throws many things our way. It is how we deal with those situations that defines who we are as people. 

(lol I couldn't hurt a fly, although in my mind things

play out differently some times than they do in real life..)

BOOM

[Word vomit.] Get it out. Get it off your chest. Do not I REPEAT do not bottle things up. Scream into your pillow. Yell in your car. Talk to some one who loves you & supports you in everything you do.

[Swear a little.] let out some aggression in a good way. ;)

STOP

STEP BACK

INHALE.. EXHALE

Think about nothing

[Communicate] TALK  TO SOME BODY - you will feel a lot better. Surround yourself with GENUINELY GOOD PEOPLE.

I have learned that I am not in the driver seat. 

I have learned that if I GIvE IT TO GOD .. It will be okay 

BUT there is a catch

y o u h a v e t o b e w i l l i n g 

To follow him & keep his commandments

IT WILL NOT BE EASY ALL OF THE TIME

[part of the reason we have the atonement to thank him for]

You must be submissive. 

You must be humble. 

You must go forth with faith & a happy spirit. 

Despite how ugly this world is..

The plan of HAPPINESS is anything but that. 

Give the man up stairs some credit. He loves you. He wants you to return home to live with him. You should fight for him as hard as he fights for you. 

Know your priorities. If they're alined with what God asks I promise you this..

You can make anything you want happen with his companionship. 

He can only dwell in the light

"Why would you chase away the sun if you don't want the rain?"- Atmosphere

Love..

Me

Abide With Me 'Tis Evntide

Dear You,

I recently came across a local blog of a young man by the name of Seth Adam Smith [ http://sethadamsmith.com/ ] It contains an amazing story of rebuilding life from a suicide attempt & all of the wonderful things he has done & aspires to accomplish. I am not much of a reader.. trust me when I say this is a good read. {worth your time}

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. It brings my soul happiness.

There are many things I enjoy in life.. one of the main things I thoroughly enjoy is music.. ALL KINDS

I have to say some of my favorite songs come from the LDS Hymn Book.

-->> God be with you till we meet again
-->> Abide with me tis eventide

Both with be sung at my funeral.

One of my most favorite traditions that I have witnessed & had the opportunity to be apart of is singing God be with you till we meet again with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. They sing it after every performance to thank those visiting.. be it the audience or the amazing guest they had perform with them. It honestly I believe sums up & is a witness of Christ. There is nothing more wonderful than hearing or singing that song in ode to some one. Time stops for a moment & you feel wonderful. I know I tear up every time.

I came across this video tonight.. & I would have to thank Seth for posting in on one of his blogs.. {thankyou}

It is a video created by an artist who explains his paintings symbolism. It is quite profound & I much needed to hear the message. I have a new found respect for Howard Van Lyon & his art. [ http://fineart.howardlyon.com/ ]

-->> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Yhs6X34UKg  <<--


Enjoy.

FAITH:

ALMA 32:21 Book Of Mormon
21. And now as I said concerning faith—^afaith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye ^bhope for things which are ^cnot seen, which are true.

HEBREWS 11:1 New Testament - King James Version
 1. Now ^afaith is the ^bsubstance of things ^choped for, the ^devidence of things not seen.

Love..

Me

Love actually

Dear You,

This is going to be random ramblings.. or ideas.. that have been floating around in my mind.

The difference between love.. & love actually. Everyone has their definitions.

1. It is interesting.. all my life I have loved people. Be it family, friends, boyfriends.. even strangers. I believe there are different levels of love. Some might say love is all the same.. so disagree away.. I welcome it.

2. Love all has the same basic idea of caring for some one in a way that seldom recognize & others ignore.

3. Selfishness demands, "What's in it for me?", while Love asks, "What can I give?"
(http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/) <<-- very good short blog entry everyone should read.

TO BE CONTINUED..

Love..

Me

I. Am. Awesome.

Dear You,

 

I have struggled all my life to find a balance on how I really feel about myself. Simply put being a woman comes with its own set of issues. BUT I do know this.. I am perfect in Gods eyes. I am exactly who I am supposed to be & where I am supposed to be. Working through this is not easy.. but I do believe this.. if you surround yourself with people who believe in you, who are positive influences, who build you up, who make you feel amazing, & who never let you forget it -->>

 

IT GETS EASIER

 

These key points stood out to me in this YouTube Video.. I hope that you take the time to watch.. because its pretty incredible.

1. Remember you are loved. Remember you are Important & Special.

 

2. You are never too much & you are always enough.

[I have always always always struggled with this]

 

3. In the eyes of God you are loved.. you are worth dying for.

4. You deserve some one who would give up their life for you.. be cause you are

POWERFUL, STRONG & CAPABLE.

5. ANY voices in your mind that tell you differently are from the Enemy.. Nuh-uh not me Satan I am a daughter of the living God....

|

|

v



-->>Cherished -->>Loved -->>& Adored above all things.

 

I cry when I watch this video. It has a powerful message & good reminders.

 

Love..

 

Me.

God?

Dear you,

..In my own words, what I believe in put very simply.

Who is God?

To me he is my Heavenly Father & I am his daughter. He is the creator of all things. He loves you & me more than we can even imagine or fathom. He created us with his perfect love. I believe that he sent his only begotten son to suffer for my sins as well as yours. He is my Father in Heaven. I want to some day return home to live with him with all of my loved ones in the highest kingdom.

Who is Jesus Christ?

Jesus is my brother. He is the reason why we have the gift of agency & choice. His selfless love has made it possible for me to come back to where I need to be & be forgiven for my short comings. He is the perfect example of unconditional , endless love. I am so grateful for his atoning sacrifice.

Who is the Holy Ghost?

I believe that the Holy Ghost is my heavenly companion who helps me, prompts me & reminds me. With out this companionship I don't know up from down, left from right.

My Testimony.

I believe in the God Head [Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ & The Holy Ghost] I believe them to be 3 separate beings. I believe everything serves a purpose. I believe everyone has a purpose. I believe that we are all here to help one another. I believe if you allow it you can be a vessel in Gods hands. You can be the answers to some ones prayers if you are in tune or ask for the opportunity to be. I believe this life is a  short period of time. I believe when it is all said & done it will feel like it was a blink of an eye. I am so grateful for the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, I believe in a life after this & that we will all be able to see our loved ones again. I believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God that was sent to this earth to restore the true gospel that Jesus Christ himself was here teaching many years ago.

"I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it." -Joseph Smiths Testimony

[http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,104-1-3-5,00.html]

I believe that it would have been very easy for Joseph Smith to quit & to say "I was lying" if he did not see what he saw or experience what he experienced. I am grateful to him & his family for his great sacrifice of bringing forth the truths of the gospel. I am grateful for the Book of Mormon & the correspondence it has with the Holy Bible. I believe we are extremely lucky to have the books that contain teachings of the prophets of old. I am so grateful for the Priesthood. I believe in that power and authority of God given to man. I love & respect those men who honor their priesthood. [THANKYOU] I am especially grateful for the atonement & knowing I can be forgiven of my sins. I enjoy that the gospel is simple. I am some one that needs simple. I have faith in things that I have not seen but which I know to be true through the power of prayer. I believe that you can turn to your Heavenly Father for anything you need.

 



I believe that if you read the Book of Mormon & pray asking God if it is true with a sincere heart you will get an answer & feel his spirit.

It all starts with you. He is knocking at the door of your heart. YOU have to invite him in.

 

History behind the Book of Mormon.

[http://mormon.org/discover/001/07-book-of-mormon.html?gclid=CMfIlJLGmLoCFasWMgodbX0AQQ&CID=99110385&ef_id=Ul0NsgAABRtnFjBQ:20131015094106:s]

The Book of Mormon.

[http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm]

 

Love..

Me.