So I moved recently and I was going through some of my storage items with journals & books. I decided to open some and read them to see what I had to say when I was younger. All I can say is
WOW
I was surprised and quite frankly shocked. I of course in my juvenile teenage years was a brat.. but there was a trend that I saw.
Not that I journal now.. (although I should).. I started to read over and over again.. time after time.. situation after situation.. my obsession with love. Or what ever idea I had of it. I honestly dont have a clue what true love really is. I hear when its real its returned.
Haha I just laugh. I am now 22 years old and feel like I live in a fairy tail dream world that doesnt exist.
When you are a child you watch things and learn. I remember watching princess Disney movies and thinking "I cant wait.. I cant wait for my prince charming! I cant wait to live happily ever after!" I had a beautiful imagination. I had a stunning dream at what I knew I wanted. But did I deserve it?
I often wonder and ponder this thought. Do I deserve to be treated like a princess or queen? Is that reality? Or am I truly delusional?
Well no. I have come to the conclusion that I in fact am not crazy.
I just figured out the problem. Or so I think I have.. Are you ready..? (drum roll please)
---->> its the person you decide to be & the person you decide to be with <<----
What an idea. What a thought. How you show up is eventually how the other person will. If they arent showing up then move on. Find some one else who will. Its amazing.. many people like myself see themselves as the "replaceable" one in the relationship. I believe it is because partly I have made it that way. I have made it very easy for my significant others to take complete advantage of me.
I believe this is the womans version of being "too nice"
So your boyfriend cheated on your for an extended period of time.. yet you still allow him to stay..
So your boyfriend threatens your relationship any time a problem comes up.. yet you still fight for it..
So your boyfriend cant take accountability for his actions and blames you.. yet you still entertain the though of them changing..
So your boyfriend shows you love in public but in private you fight constantly.. yet you still try and make it work..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH WOMEN TODAY?
I can tell you that I have done ALL of those things. Every single one.
I know of friends who have also put up with the same issues.
WHY? WHAT ARE YOU GETTING OUT OF IT? IS IT REALLY GETTING BETTER?
I can tell you that for me it has not. It has left me further questioning wether or not I will ever be lovable enough to stay with.. to fight for.. to change with.. continually try and make it work.
Love is easy. It should be. It should be easy to forgive those you love. It should be easy to do things for those you love simply because it brings them happiness. BUT NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU THIS..
LOVE. IS. WORK.
Why arent we educated like this when we are young? Why does it take the abusive boyfriend.. the best friend you friend zoned.. or the cheater to teach you this?
I am beyond frustrated feeling like I am not worth everything I put forth into a relationship. I am sick of trying and getting no where. I am sick to death of loving with all my heart to find the other person not invested.
This is a lot of scattered thoughts..
I am going for a drive..
Love..
Me.
